On the off chance you live under a rock, the New York Giants were embarrassed on national television last Sunday night in Dallas. The offensive line was terrible, Eli was terrible, and Brandon Marshall looked a shell of himself as the Cowboys rolled over the Giants 19-3. However, the game was not without bright spots: Evan Engram looked good, the defense was impressive, and Carrie Underwood’s legs did not disappoint.
As a Giants fan, I’ve been subject to a fair share of criticism and chirps in the days past. People saying Eli is done, that the Giants should start rebuilding, that McAdoo is on the hot seat blah blah blah fuck that. It’s one game. When we beat the Lions Monday Night at MetLife we’re 1-1 and after these first two games that’s perfectly fine. With that said, I present to you my rest of season Giant’s outlook:
Week 2: 0-1 vs. Detroit
Odell begins him MVP campaign and goes for 150 yards and 2 touchdowns. The defense intercepts Stafford 3 times and The French Connection totals 3.5 sacks.
Giants win 28-17
Week 3: 1-1 @ Philadelphia
In a hostile environment, the Giants and Eli Manning go into the City of Brotherly Love and assert themselves as the alpha of the NFC East. Carson Wentz and the Eagles realize they’re still years away from contending for a division title.
Giants win 31-13
Week 4: 2-1 @ Tampa Bay
After watching this past season of Hard Knocks, I am not at all worried about this game. Dirk Koetter has the presence of an ant and zero control over that locker room. Giants win the toss, elect to receive, drive right down the field for an opening drive touchdown, and the Buccaneers fold like a cheap suitcase.
Giants win 24-10
Week 5: 3-1 vs. Chargers
This one is big for Eli. Since Eli refused to sign with the Chargers after the 2004 Draft, Philip Rivers is 3-0 against the Giants. Eli gets up for this one and an epic shootout ensues in the Meadowlands. The Giants win a close one as Rivers inability to pull it out late dooms the Chargers and his retirement fund yet again.
Giants win 34-31
Week 6: 4-1 @ Denver
As viewers seek a distraction from this boring defensive game, Darren Rovell will be sure to captivate them on Twitter with retweets of the menu at a diner in Evansville, Illinois featuring a 16 oz. burger called “The Siemian Special”. In the end, the Giants win a defensive battle at Mile High that Ryan Clarke could only dream of.
Giants win 17-10
Week 7: 5-1 vs. Seattle
The Seahawks return to Metlife for the first time since they dismantled the Broncos in Super Bowl XLVIII. Yeah, this game will be a battle. Odell vs. Sherman will be appointment television. If this game were in Seattle, it’s probably as loss, but I think the crowd gets into this one and gives Seattle a taste of their own medicine. The Giants win a close one as the swirling Meadowlands wind pushes a Steven Hauschka game winning field goal attempt wide of the uprights.
Giants win 23-21
Week 8: BYE. The boys rest up and enjoy some leisure time. A video of Odell partying at Magic City emerges and Peter King writes 10,000 words on why the immature Odell Beckham should be released by the Giants.
Week 9: 6-1 vs. Rams
The Rams at home? After a bye week? Come on. They suck. Win.
Giants win 28-10
Week 10: 7-1 @ 49ers
The 49ers suck too. Win.
Giants win 24-3
Week 11: 8-1 vs. Kansas City
The majority of sports media has spent the past few days using both hands to stroke the cocks of both Andy Reid and Kareem Hunt after the Chiefs admittedly impressive victory in Foxboro. However, True Detective taught me that time is flat circle; things don’t change. I can count on two early third quarter timeouts from Uncle Andy and I can count on Alex Smith completing 18 of 30 attempts for 106 yards. News flash, Alex, that won’t be enough in this game as the Giants get a statement win at home.
Giants win 17-10
Week 12: 9-1 @ Redskins… yeah, I went there.
It’ll be a bad day to be an ACL in this one as Big Blue marches down to Washington and their deplorable field conditions. The fact that FedEx Field is still deemed safe to play on is unfathomable to me. A torn ACL here, a dislocated ankle there, that fucking field has ended more careers than the Kardashian sisters. Anyway, the Giants get after Captain Kirk early and often on their way to a decisive divisional victory.
Giants win 24-13
Week 13: 10-1 @ Oakland
The Giants go into a half empty Oakland Coliseum for a tough game against one of the AFC West’s best. In a game highlighted by infield dirt and high octane passing offensives, the Giants complete yet another comeback in the Bay Area.
Giants win 31-24
Week 14: 11-1 vs. Dallas
Your typical division revenge game. If the Cowboys think they’re waltzing into our house and completing the season sweep, they’re fucking crazy. Landon Collins registers a first quarter pick six and the subsequent crowd eruption registers on the Richter Scale. Then, late in the game, Odell takes a slant for 60 yards and buries the Cowboys like Jerry Jones buries a Dez Bryant tape.
Giants win 24-14
Week 15: 12-1 vs. Philadelphia
The Eagles come into town looking for revenge but all they find is themselves unable to move the ball against a stifling Giants defense in freezing cold conditions. A late Carson Wentz interception dooms the Eagles in this one as the Giants complete the season sweep.
Giants win 20-17
Week 16: 13-1 @ Arizona
The Giants get a break from the cold and travel to beautiful Glendale, Arizona for a matchup with a desperate Cardinals team. The Cardinals fight hard as they benefit from the return of David Johnson, but BJ Goodson fights harder and records 18 solo tackles. The Giants outlast the stingy Cardinals in a low scoring battle.
Giants win 17-14
Week 17: 14-1 vs. Redskins
I’m going to use this second Redskins match-up to shed light on the false narrative that Josh Norman can shut down Odell Beckham. As much as outside fans want to see a guy like Norman shut down Odell, it’s simply not reality. In Week 3 last year, Norman lined up on Odell for 54 of 61 snaps. Odell proceeded to record 107 yards and 6 catches on 10 targets when Norman was covering him. Additionally, Odell has caught more than 60% of his targets when covered by Norman for his career. I expect nothing different this year; Odell torches Norman all day and the Giants close the season with a W.
Giants win 30-17
Final record: 15-1