NFL Sunday Slate – Week 5, 2017

Not going to lie, I kind of love when the Vikings don’t play on Sunday.  No stress, just get to sit back and Redzone the fuck out of my day.

Sadly, this slate was not as electric as the past two weeks.  But did the factory workers just skip work when it was raining during the Industrial Revolution? NO.

11am-11pm. Punch the clock.

Here we go.

The 1:00 Slate

New York 17 – Cleveland 14

Have to start out with the best game on the slate.  This was wild.  Just constant turnovers and fuck ups.  The Browns missed like 80 field goals and Kizer threw like 50 red zone picks.  Josh McCown hit Jermaine Kearse on a 24 yard TD, for what proved to be the game winner.  Feel like we got cheated out of a tie in this one, but still a hilarious game.  Jets somehow find themselves at 3-2 and tied for first in the AFC East.  Wow, the NFL is really weird this year, but I love it.

Jacksonville 30 – Pittsburgh 9

The Jags, coming off a loss to the Jets, absolutely dismantle the Steelers, at Heinz Field.  Big Ben looked like he should have retired this offseason, throwing a career high 5 interceptions.

Maybe the worst part about this for Steelers’ fans is that Big Ben said “Maybe I don’t have it anymore” after the game.  Yikes.  As for the Jaguars, I have no idea if they are a good team or not, but man their secondary is nasty.  AJ Bouye and Jalen Ramsey are the best CB combo in the league and this game was never close, as Leonard Fournette iced it with this 90 yarder.

Carolina 27 – Detroit 24

Cam Newton needed a big game after his controversial comments over the week and he delivered.  The Panthers jumped ahead early and Cam couldn’t miss, hitting Christian McCaffrey, Devin Funchess, and Kelvin Benjamin on TDs.

The Lions take a tough loss at home, as Stafford’s comeback effort ended up being too little, too late.  I really like both of these teams going down the stretch.  Both have shown elite flashes on both sides of the ball and I think both are contenders come January.

Indianapolis 26 – San Francisco 23

This game happening at the same time as the Jets/Browns game was awesome.  Really close to that tie here, but future franchise QB Jacoby Brissett would not let that happen.  The first 4 quarters were exactly what we expected, a ton of field goals that got the Colts up early.  Brian Hoyer threw 2 4th quarter TDs to send this one to Overtime and the whole world was thinking the same thing: TIE. After Brssett threw an interception late in OT, a tie looked more and more likely.  However, Hoyer and the 9ers could not move the ball and Vinatieri was able to knock a 51 yarder through the uprights for a win.

Cincinnati 20 –  Buffalo 16

This game kicked off with a 77 yard bomb to AJ Green and it looked like the Bengals were going to expose the Bills as frauds.

However, the Bills hung tight, as TyGod answered Dalton punch for punch.  The difference in this game was a Joe Mixon TD that gave the Bills their 2nd loss of the season.  Tough to win on the road, but I was pretty impressed that the Bills hung tight after a big win in Atlanta.  The jury is still out on both of these teams, but I would imagine both of them are watching the playoffs from home.

Miami 16 – Tennessee 10

This may have been the ugliest game of them all.  Jay Cutler threw for a whopping 92 yards on 12/26 throwing.  Cutler looks absolutely horrible, but the Dolphins lucked out and Matt Cassel was at the helm for the Titans.  The Dolphins squeeze out an ugly win at home, due to this sack fumble that Reshad Jones brought back to the house.

The big take away from this game, however, came off the field, as Dolphins OL Coach was caught ripping lines of a “white powdery substance.”  Check out The Plug’s story for more details, but this is pretty hilarious.

Los Angeles 27 – New York 20

In the battle of the 0-4’s, the Chargers are able to come out on top.  Obviously both of these teams seasons are over, so I won’t spend much time on the game.  The game winner came from Melvin Gordon on a 10 yard score.  The real story, however, is that basically everybody on the Giants got hurt.  The biggest of which was Odell Beckham Jr, whose season is most likely over.  Odell was balling his eyes out after probably suffering a broken ankle.  This may be the best news Michael Jordan has gotten in a while, as some at the GSJ are calling for Odell to be the new twitter crying face.

Image result for twitter odell crying ankle injury

Philadelphia 34 – Arizona 7

The Eagles absolutely embarrassed Arizona this week.  Wentz threw for 4 TDs and the Eagles had plenty of savage celebrations planned to just rub it in.  Wentz and the Eagles look like serious contenders, as their OL is taking over games.  Obviously the season is young and the Eagles still have a lot of tough games ahead (Carolina, Seattle, Dallas x2), it is tough to not be impressed with how Wentz is developing and how well the Birds have been playing.

The 4:00 Slate

Seattle 16 – Los Angeles 10

A big win for Seattle in this NFC West showdown.  The Rams simply turned the ball over too much for them to win the game, but the Seahawks were unable to run away with it.  Seattle’s offense is really struggling, as they struggled to throw and run the ball on Sunday.  Goff ‘s game winning TD fell off the finger tips of Cooper Kupp.  I am really still out on Seattle as their OL will not be good enough down the stretch, and they showed that they will struggle to run away with games vs respectable teams. Give me the LA Rams as NFC West winners.

Baltimore 30 – Oakland 17

The EJ Manuel led Raiders struggled to score enough points to keep up with the elite Joe Flacco.  Shocker.   Baltimore ran the ball very well on Sunday and Flacco was able to hit on his deep balls.  That is Ravens football.  The Raiders, on the other hand, struggled to move the ball without Derek Carr.  Hopefully he will be back soon, as reports say his injury is not as serious as it was once thought.

Green Bay 35 – Dallas 31: The Game of the Week

This game was so good that it made the previous 6 hours of shitty football worth it.   Dallas jumped ahead early with 3 first half TDs, but Rodgers stuck around, despite Crosby missing 2 extra points.  In the 4th Quarter, Dak threw a pick 6, and the Cowboys had the ball with about 8 minutes left.  The whole world knew that they could not let Aaron Rodgers get the ball again,  and they did a decent job.  They methodically worked their way down the field, but Jason Garrett pulled a Andy Reid Jason Garrett. He fucked up again, taking a shot to the endzone that stopped the clock with around a minute left.  Wtf are you doing Jason.  To make it worse, they scored on the very next play, giving Rodgers over a minute with a time out. Yea, this one is over.   Rodgers walked down the field and ended the game with this strike to Davante Adams, who everybody thought died last week.  Aaron Rodgers is really fucking unbelievable.  That is all I have to say on the matter.

The Night Slate

Kansas City 42 – Houston 34

If the season ends today, Alex Smith is the MVP, and rightfully so.  This dude is playing out of his mind.  It is actually unbelievable.  Smith and all of his weapons put up 42 points in Houston and the rookie Deshaun Watson was unable to keep up, despite having a really nice game (5 TDs).  Chiefs stay undefeated and look like the best team in football.  Houston loses their two best defenders for the year, but you already knew that, since they showed JJ Watt’s ambulance more than the game.

Hopefully, by this time tomorrow, we will be celebrating the Vikings dismantling of the Bears on MNF.

Skol Fucking Vikings


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A bigtime Vikings and Providence Friars fan. If the takes are too hot, get out of the kitchen.

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