My Plans to Fix College Football Halftimes

Step 1: Get the Band Off the Field

Collegiate Bands have been ruining football since the leatherheads invented CTE. These kids get enough credit as it is. You’re on full scholarship for playing a flute. Stay in your lane. There is not a more self-righteous person on a college campus than a member of the band. These kids consider themselves the biggest college football fans with their customized t-shirts and brass music makers. I’ve had enough. They travel on their own bus to the game and sit in their own section in the stadium, and they are cocky enough to demand more. They need a choreographed dance on the field at halftime? Give it a rest. Play the fight song after a touchdown and then find your seat.  The real fans have a game to watch.

Meanwhile, coach is is the locker room trying to preach over 45 trumpets playing the latest rendition of Ed Sheeran’s “Castle on the Hill”. That’ll really get the people going.  Here’s a quick look into a Dabo Sweeny Halftime:

No wonder college football games always stay so close. Nick Chubb and the Bulldogs have a 21-3 cushion going into the half and then have to wait 45 minutes to get the second half underway. The starting 11’s hamstrings are tighter than the strings inside that rising sophomore’s oboe on the 40-yard line. 82% of college football injuries occur in the second half. I have no supporting data or evidence to support that fact, but it is arguably true. Keep an eye out for that late-game groin tightness that becomes the deciding factor in a nail-biting division rivalry. The simple fact is that we need to keep these kids healthy. Collegiate bands cause injuries. The correlation is there. As spectators and fans we need to take a stand. End the band’s halftime performance and save college football

Step 2: Give Me A Pound-Ball Football

As a fan who has sipped one too many boilermakers throughout the first half, its tough to sit around at halftime and wait for your boys to re-take the field. However, there is one thing I will tolerate. Give me two local grade-school football teams going head-to-head in the biggest match-up of their lives. Each team gets one possession to show what they are worth. Nothing keeps a bunch of drunk underage college kids occupied like 22 10-year-olds running around like bobble-heads and targeting each other with helmet to helmet hits. Little Tommy looks like hes going to waltz in for 6 and out of nowhere Billy from the Saint Anastasia Ramblers lays a back-cracking hit in the secondary. That’ll keep the heat in the stands while your squads gets ready for the second half.

Step 3: Keep It Simple

There are 2 necessities within a college football halftime:

  1. Games on the Jumbotron

I want to guess the attendance. I want to know who came out to support the squad today and who is at home sitting on their hands. Choice C is always single digits above the stadiums capacity. Choice C is going to be 86,003 and I am going to choose it. It is never the right answer but it seems too obscure not to be the winning pick.

Give me the helmet shuffle. Throw a football under three helmets and watch those babies zip around that high-def movie screen. Everyone is confident that they have it after the first 10 seconds. Then we get the computer lag that throws everyone’s brain into a pretzel. Nevertheless, the confidence remains high. Shouts and hands raised throughout the stadium verify that “2” is the easy choice. Wrong. It was 3 and the only guy that guessed right was the cocky kid who everyone hates and he’ll remind you that he won for the next twenty minutes.

2. T-Shirt Toss

There’s something about a male cheerleader running around with a giant cannon gun that keeps me entertained. Also, the chance of catching a shitty t-shirt will keep fans in their seats. A simple equation:

T-shirt Toss x Fans in their seats = Shorter Lines at Concessions

Shorter lines at the concessions means that we are back to our seats in a hurry. With the elimination of the band, the team is back on the field for warm-ups. 20 minutes have passed and you have a fresh hotdog and beer, your buddy caught a t-shirt, a 10-year-old has exposed himself to his first taste of CTE, and the games about to start.

———————

3 easy steps and we have saved college football. No more cocky band kids who can brag about being on the field. No more 45 minutes of halftime that deflate the entire stadium. No more season ending injuries from frozen quads and tight hamstrings. These are just simple steps to fix the game. Sometimes simplicity can provide the best results. College football is great. It is time to make it incredible.

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