The other day I realized that it’s been awhile since the last big time celebrity death. It got me thinking, who could be the next celebrity to go belly up? Here’s a list of 10 celebrities that I think could croak in the coming year.
Odds to die by January 1, 2019
Anthony Bennett (2-1)
To put it nicely, things have not gone well since Bennet was drafted first overall by the Cleveland Cavaliers in 2013. In 2017, Bennett was waived by the Brooklyn Nets, the fucking Brooklyn Nets. Can’t get much worse than that right? Wrong. Bennett was recently cut by a Turkish Pro League team leading me to believe that Bennett is now addicted to heroin. They give out opiates like candy in Turkey.
Marv Albert (5-1)
I think this is the year that karma catches up to the women’s under garment wearing NBA announcer. You can only bite a woman so many times before the gods begin to turn on you. Couple his old age with the fact that he’s a complete scumbag and you have a recipe for death. Go bite toes in hell you fucking weirdo.
This former Kentucky Derby winner has been living fast these days. It’s not easy having sex all day while managing a Twitter account. Horse life expectancy is short to begin with and Nyquist isn’t doing himself any favors by treating his dick like a jack hammer. A horse heart can only take so much.
Jimmy Carter (8-1)
Look, I know this isn’t a sexy pick and I apologize for the chalk but the former peanut farmer is the consensus pick by the experts to be the next celebrity to bite the bullet. After a recent dehydration scare at a charity event, Carter has rapidly ascended up the experts’ big boards . At the age of 92, it’s honestly fucking crazy that this guy is still alive. We can only hope for the best, but nobody can outrun time, just ask Dick Clark (RIP).
Dick Vitale (10-1)
The second announcer on this list clocks in with the fifth best odds to die. He eats every single meal out. That is not an exaggeration. If you follow him on Periscope, he streams him and his wife eating out almost every day. It really is wild. The amount of grease consumed by Dicky V over the course of his life could lubricate the entire Lincoln Tunnel. I just don’t know how much more cholesterol his arteries can take.
Bill Cosby (12-1)
The lethal combo of karma and old age (81) strikes again as Mr. Cosby is one of the next to meet his maker. There are a lot of people out there that would like nothing more than to see Bill Cosby rot, which introduces the probability of murder into the equation:
Probability of death = (Age) x (How much fucked up shit have you done) x (how much do people hate you)
Thus, Bill Cosby comes in with the sixth best odds to die of any celebrity. Numbers never lie.
Bernie Madoff (15-1)
Madoff has similar measurables to those of Bill Cosby; he did a really fucked up thing (stole 57 billion dollars), is aging (78), and everybody hates him (100%).
57 x 78 x 100 = a strong chance of dying by next Christmas.
However, I think Madoff’s residence in a white collar jail could extend his life. He essentially lives in a nursing home for white people who’ve committed fraud.
Vlad Guerrero (20-1)
No numbers here; this is a straight up gut pick. As much as I love Vlad, I’m concerned for his well-being in the Dominican Republic. With the recent influx of hurricanes in the Caribbean, I’m concerned that Vlad may not be taking the proper safety precautions. Vlad doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy that plays it safe and it may very well end up costing him his life.
Queen Elizabeth (25-1)
Sorry, honey, no amount of royalty can keep you away from the grim reaper. Whenever you have to silenece rumors about your supposed death, you kow your time is near. It sucks but it’s reality. The Queen also boasts the second oldest age on this list, coming in at a smooth 91 years old.
Bob Huggins (30-1)
It really pains me to put the Huggie Bear on this list, but it seems as though he’s only one defensive miscommunication away from cardiac arrest. I call it Stress Virginia because Huggins spends all 40 minutes of the game either barking at refs or screaming at his players for missed defensive rotations. I suggest that he ditches the trademark jumpsuit for something cooler and lighter; a dry fit polo, perhaps. Lower that body temp Bobby, we can’t have any more health scares.
Betting is now open.